In Loving Memory of Mitzi
by Kim Niles

I must warn you...Mitzi's story is quite long...you'll see why, as you read on.

Mitzi came into my life during the summer of my 12th year.  I can still remember the anticipation I felt as we drove to the house to pick her up...and the moment I first laid eyes on her.  She was about 6 months old, and the last of an unwanted litter of Cock-a-poos (Cocker Spaniel/Poodle mix).  She was funny looking with one pink eye and one black one, timid, and the sweetest little ball of fur I'd ever seen.

Mitzi and I hit it off immediately..maybe because we were both a bit shy and in need of a friend.  My memories of her are these flashes of happiness, giggles and unconditional love.  She used to love to play 'burglar', where I'd tip-toe across a room and she'd charge at me, barking wildly.  And watching her chasing moths in the grass on summer nights always made me laugh until my sides hurt. 

I trained her, fed her, played with her, and loved her.  She, in return, played with me, fed me a constant supply of love and admiration, and allowed me to think I was training her.

She was with me through many milestones of my youth...from my first love to my first broken heart.  In fact, during the first few days after the break-up, when I just couldn't bring myself to get out of bed, Mitzi rarely left my side.  And when the romance was rekindled a year later, she was there to share my joy.  Being way too shy to be much of a 'wild child', Mitzi was the friend I 'partied' with on the night of my high school graduation. 

She moved into my first apartment with me, and was there the day I brought my first born home from the hospital.  Now part of a military family, when it came time to move out of state I promised myself that I wouldn't cry when saying goodbye to friends & family that I was leaving behind...but saying goodbye to Mitzi was what finally broke my resolve. It was to be the 1st of 4 times that I would find myself saying goodbye to her.

My parents took care of Mitzi when I moved away, but her health deteriorated soon after I left.  She was epileptic, put on special foods and a medication that was clouding her mind, making her confused and difficult to care for.  When my parents called to tell me they couldn't keep her anymore, I got permission from my new landlord and brought her to live with me in Texas.  Within a month of being with me again, she was doing so much better that she was taken off the special diet and medication, and was seizure free. 

About a year later, we got orders to move to Germany, and were told that housing was so hard to come by that we could not take our pets with us.  So, I was once again facing the torment of having to say goodbye to Mitzi.  After waiting as long as possible, I advertised in the local paper and had found what I thought was a wonderful home for her with a loving family.  I tearfully said goodbye once again, as her new owner was getting ready to take her home.   I bawled like a baby after she was gone, feeling heartbroken, and guilty for letting her down and sending her off with a stranger...Little did I know she'd be back the very next day.  As it turned out the family didn't check with their landlord first and was not able to keep her.  I was thrilled to have her back, but knew it was very temporary, as I still couldn't move her overseas with us.

Then, the next day, I got another call from someone wanting to adopt Mitzi.  I met them and they seemed nice and had gotten permission from their landlord to have a dog.  So for the 3rd time now, I was forced to say goodbye to my sweet furry friend...only this time, I didn't even get the chance...While I was going after her favorite blanket and food, their son had already taken Mitzi to their car down the street.  I watched her staring back at me out the rear window of the car as they drove away.  That vision would haunt me for years to come, and I cursed my own timidness, wishing I'd gone to the car to say a proper goodbye.

But...I had missed my chance to say a final goodbye to Mitzi, and began (once again) the mourning process, along with new feelings of guilt and regret.  But this is not the end of Mitzi and I...  (I told you it was a long story)

As it happens, Mitzi didn't stay with this adoptive family very long either.  She escaped.  Just 2 weeks before we were to fly to Germany, I received a call from my Mother, who had received a call from Mitzi's old vet.  Mitzi had been found wandering the highway, filthy and covered with matted fur and stickers, in another city., many miles away from our home.   I phoned the woman who had found Mitzi...A very kind woman who, after hearing our story,  said she would clean Mitzi up and find her a good home.  I had no way of getting there, and no time to find her yet another home, so I was grateful for kind offer.  I phoned the woman again the day before our flight to see if she'd found Mitzi a home,  and was relieved to find out that they had fallen in love with Mitzi and would be keeping her, themselves.

I moved to Germany and tried to go on with my life,  but thought of Mitzi constantly, full of sorrow, regrets, and more guilt than I could bear - and couldn't shake.  This wonderful childhood friend, this sweet soul who was always there for me,  deserved so much better than I gave her...at the very least - a  proper goodbye.  And she deserved to understand why I gave her away again and again...But I'd failed her, and now it was too late...and she must think I just didn't love her anymore. 

I couldn't even think of her without at least tearing up...even when I dreamt of her, I'd wake up crying...until the night we said our fourth and final goodbye.

You see, Mitzi came to me in a dream, only she wasn't my little black and white cock-a-poo anymore, but a brilliant bright light...a soul, and a wise maternal soul at that...but I knew it was her.  She surrounded me in a spiritual 'embrace' and told me that it was okay...she understood everything now and had come to say goodbye.  When I woke up, I felt at peace for the first time since the day I watched her staring back at me as that car drove away...and I knew it wasn't just a dream...I knew my Mitzi had passed away, I felt it..  When I phoned her adoptive family, I was told yes, Mitzi had passed away, peacefully, in her sleep.

My sweet Mitzi was there for me once again, even at the end of her life.  She lives forever in my heart, and now that we've had our proper goodbye, I'm left with guilt-free memories of happiness, giggles, and a powerful unconditional love that knew no boundaries.